Simon,

Of course I don’t think you’ve already got a lot of love letters, so I think this will surprise you. You didn’t think you’d got one from me, huh? And that’s because it’s not sane to love you, but it seems like i’m not sane at all. I’ve hesitated a lot before writing this letter and when I finally finished it, I’ve been contemplating whether to sign it or not. Anonymity is so safe! But in this case, I would just had been one of your fans. Or worse, maybe you’d thought I’d be a girl? It’d hurt my ego. Anyway, anonymity could give my mind peace, I agree. This love letter’s so weird… I see that I should write my unconditional love for you but instead of that, I’m explaining it. Maybe I don’t believe in myself ?

Do not expect me to say that your eyes are such a cute brown; like the trunk of an oak tree in the cool summer’s night- I’ll leave that to Clary. You should have heard of another cute metaphor like that. What could I add to surprise you? I’ve been searching for a while now and I can’t find any interesting metaphors. And I think that to compare your eyes with the color of poop will be in bad taste. So no lousy metaphor for your eyes. I’ll only say that I find them beautiful but I think you’ve heard that a lot, too. Don’t expect me to say what I like about you and why I like it. First, because you’re not perfect at all, and on the other hand, I’ve never seen the most interesting parts of your anatomy.

I know what you’ll think: it’s inappropriate to talk about sex in a love letter. But what am I suppose to do with the pure feelings that you’ve given me? The problem, Fledgling, is that all you’re making me want to do is sin. What I want to do could make me blush if it was possible. But every time I think of you, I get a hard on. I don’t know if you’ve already experienced something like that. I wouldn’t like you to. I’m always imagining you like a virgin. Decidedly in addition to being a poor smoothie, I allow me to have preferences. But don’t be scared, even if you were a perfect slut, I would love you for eternity. So, in my fantasy you’re a virgin.not for a dark history of narrowness. No, for the simple reason that I suppose that being your first would be a plus. We rarely forget our first times and when it’s good, we think about it a lot- almost tenderly. Of course, even in my fantasy, you never love me. Gracias Dios, on this point, I remain consistent. But I imagine with a scaring facility making love to you.And I don’t want to boast, but every time you’re hell of a good time. But hey, if I want to be honest, I fear, alas, not to ensure as much in reality. Finally, no one can make as much in real life if you 'd ask him.

And since I’m emptying my bag so shamelessly, I won’t stop now.

I feel like I’m throwing myself into the void and I expect the fall apprehensively. I already know that it’ll be painful because you don’t love me. I often ridiculed unrequited love. I’ve told myself that people who clung to someone who don’t like them are stupid. He doesn’t love you, that’s it! Move on! I do not deny my own stupidity in this case but I can’t move on even though I’ve tried. I’ve discovered, with an impotent rage, that the saying, “We do not control our feelings” was true. I want you to know that I’m mad at you for that. Obviously, you didn’t do something to make me fall in love with you and I admit that it’s not directly your fault. I do no doubt that you would have gone without that burden. But you. you do not constantly have to live with that.

And who know? Maybe one day you’ll fall in love to the point of denying almost everything. Then I hope you’ll remember the years that you were my little Fledgling and you’ll say to yourself: “Whoah, Raphael Santiago said that he loved me like that.if it were true, it shouldn’t have been easy.” Of course, the person you’ll choose will love you too, because honestly, who could resist you? I see… I wish you a happy future. Sincerely. Well, of course I want to kill all of your futures conquests, but I’ll content myself to torture them in my head like the Lightwood girl does.

“Falling in love” this saying is a maddening accuracy because I feel like I’m falling, torn between my feelings and my reason. But I’m not writing to talk about my moods,  just that my heart seems to have taken a liking to you…against my will, of course. Do not grimace! Yours does not like me and I do not make a deal out of it. It’s like that. That’s all. Neither you nor I can do anything about it.

I think that I’ve come to the end of my bag.there’s nothing more to tell about this great misfortune that overwhelms me. I will survive. And if necessary, I would take the example of you, you do it so well.sorry amor, I couldn’t help myself. It’s seems like I love irony as much as I love you. I will also pass the usual chapter where I’m supposed to list your many qualities. In addition, they’re not even numerous (I prefer your faults). You don’t need me to be flattered, you hot nerd.

Definitely, my love letter is quite weird. I hope you won’t be mad at me. I’m not good to follow the herd but I like to think that it adds value to my already devastating charm. I’m a black sheep dressed as a white sheep. The watchdog and the shepherd may be mistaken, but they’re not important. I’m interested in the star.

Go Fledgling; I let your beautiful eyes quiet and finish my letter here. You’ll understand that I reserve myself the right to tell that all this is only a joke to laugh at you, in case your reaction would make me uncomfortable. The doubt you’ll have on all this is, finally, my only defense. Without it, this letter would never have existed. What would have been a loss to humanity, we must admit. It’s late and tomorrow morning, you’ll hold this paper. Until then, I’ll probably do sinful things with you without even moving from my bed.

Forgive me for that too.

Love,

Raphael Santiago.”

“Are you alright Simon?” asked Isabelle. “You’ve been reading this letter for a while now. Who’s it from?”

It’s been thirty minutes since some vampire had given the mail to the Lewis-Lightwood house. Simon finally sighed. “It’s from Raphael.” said the daylighter without looking at his fiancé. “Nothing important,” he said before starting to rip the letter, “just some stupid joke.”

“Raphael,

You should have received a lot of letters: threatening letters, official letters…some love letters, surely, too. That said, I did not know you had it in you to take the pen, much less to write to me. So, of course, I wasn’t expecting your letter like you weren’t expecting a response. No need to tell you that you’re not sane because I already knew it. Have you not condoned thinking of me? I think that being alone makes you mad for all to see. And this letter is the testimony of your alienation.

Why do I respond? I couldn’t tell you.probably because of my character, probably because I could not bear let you have the last word. So, for answer: I do not believe you. I do not believe that you got shaky hands while writing that letter. Maybe you got sick and then the fever would be the cause of all your ills. Because when your hands are shaking while you’re writing to someone, it’s different. And if you loved me, your heart would beat faster, the palms of your hands would be covered in sweat at the mere thought that I was going to read your words, touch the paper you had before you, and then, your pen would also trembled. So, your writing would never had been that beautiful.

You like my eyes? Let me laugh. If you like them as much as you say you do, you wouldn’t want to avoid them all the time. Unless you’re afraid of the deathly glare I would give you. And for the guidance, in bad taste comparisons are those I like the most but my humor’s crappy.if you loved me, you’d spend your time looking for anything other than hatred in my eyes so I do not believe you.

The following of your letter leaves no doubt about the nature of your deranged mind. So I won’t spend a second to respond about the hidden parts of my anatomy or your potential ability to make me come. It’s not my first letter and every bashful lovers imagined that they could send me to heaven. That said, I thank you for telling me you’ll always love me even if I was a slut. The thought of being loved unconditionally warms my heart.

Now, I think I will help you (do not thank me, it’s because I spend all of my time with the “Nephilim”, so I’ve been a lot more helpful lately) and explain to you what is it to love. When we love someone, we do not want to be far from them and I didn’t see you near me for like ten years. When we love someone, you only see the man of your heart and only him. Do you only see me, Raphy? I doubt it, given the number of people I saw coming out of your room in the early morning when I lived in the Dumort. When we love, we only want to see the other smile and I never want to smile when you’re talking- more like screaming- at me. When we love, we became stronger for the other and you’re only stronger against me. When we love, we want to spend the rest of our live with that person even if she rejects you and the only person you really want to live with, Raphael, is yourself. Maybe I’ll stop this lesson here, I’m not sure I to want to send the letter anyway.

I think I’ve proved that this was only a stupid joke so you don’t have to tell me that. But I’ll you something, too, perhaps for us to quit. I’m in love, really in love, and that’s why I know how it is. That’s how I know that you’re lying. I spend my whole goddamn life watching you, you know. Do you feel my eyes on you? Do you hear my sighs when the day comes and your picture appears on the screen of my closed eyelids? Do you feel my desire to your every move and the burning of my eyes on your neck? Do you see my smile when one of yours lights your pale face? No, I don’t think you’ve noticed all of this and that’s what makes me think that you’re even more vile than I thought you were; because this time you managed to hurt me. Truly hurt me.

Because before, I had hope. Before, I hoped that maybe, one day, you’ll change, that you cease to want to see me down. But no, you have to be satisfied and you are. Because I’m on the ground. And I think that this time, I won’t get up. Don’t worry, I will not make any scandal, after all, it’s not worth it. Because all of this is nothing more than a joke. A stupid joke, a semblance of love. Nothing will happen between us and perhaps it’s for the best. Never will my lips land on yours nor my tongue would conquer the taste of yours. Never will my hand arise on you for anything but to hit you. Never will my body tremble under the assault of yours.

I will not complain. I will only stay the same so you’ll never know for sure that all I said is true. Enough of a vampires reaction but admit that I owe you that. You’ll never know if I wrote these words with love or sick revenge. You’ll always ask yourself if I’m imagining you naked and sweaty when day closes on your dreams. You’ll pass your nights wondering if I’m watching you, eyes bright with a mixture of passion and thinly veiled desire. That makes me feel good to imagine you on the alert, meager compensation but you have to be satisfied with little when you know you can’t have everything.

Come on, I think I will finish now. Continuing to write would serve no purpose. I leave your imagination the care of doing whatever you want to my body, perhaps, after all, you really desire me. Or maybe you’ll want to hit me harder than before. I also leave you to decide to believe what you want about this letter but since it’s all a stupid joke, I’m not making too many illusions.

Simon Lewis.”

“Hey, Raphael, what’s going on? You’re more pale than usual. Do you need blood or something?” Magnus’s voice pulled Raphael from his shock. Simon did answer him.

“Bad news?” Asked Alec, his friend’s boyfriend, before giving him a blood bag.

“No.just a stupid joke.” Answered Raphael, smiling.

His friends resumed their lovey dovey conversation where they left off and Raphael let his eyes drift toward a corner of the Pandemonium, where Magnus was having a party. He was there, surrounded by the redhead and her boyfriend and his girlfriend, laughing at something he had probably said himself. But, as if he felt his eyes on him, Simon looked up and for a moment, their eyes met and Raphael stopped smiling when he thought he saw the fleeting spark of desire mingled in the shade of passion. But it happened so fast he could only wonder if he had dreamed. His fist clenched around the paper he still held.

A stupid joke…and it was him who had started it. Now, he regretted it.

“Simon, Simon, Simon.

Normally, I would find it ridiculous that you want to have the last word, but it would be besides the fact that I’m exactly the same. You can not help but want to take all of the coverage on your august person, don’t you? It’s not enough that someone says that they love you? We should precise that you love more, you love better? So, come compare your love to mine, Fledgling. Joke to mine. Come show me that all these words are a vain attempt on my part to prove myself that I still have control over what happens!

Because, if I wrote you all these songs, it’s not to pour out my heart or ease my soul of any burden. Tell you that if all my thoughts took shape on that piece of paper, it was primarily to have total control of my future. Because Raphael Santiago is not hiding, the New-york vampire clan’s leader governs his life. And what is more pathetic than an unspoken love? A hidden love put in a greenhouse like a beautiful rose than no one can admire except his creator? What is more useless? This love, while present, is not growing up without reason or purpose.beautiful picture, isn’t it ? And this, for a feeling so ugly.

Because, in my point of view, love is not great! Loving doesn’t make you stronger like you want me to believe. Because if it was true, I’d be a giant and I’d fear nothing in this world. Except maybe your eyes. This one that I’ve crossed the other night, this one that forces me to write you another letter. So, I wanted to declare my love for you, to spit it. Hoping that after saying it, he would lose his glory and his power. It seems that I’ve made a mistake and it upsets me. Far from her greenhouse, my rose will learn about the delight of the sun and fresh air. Far from her greenhouse she will grow up with the hope that she’ll become, one day, as strong as an oak. Useless hope, my faith, but do we already see a realistic hope?

You should never have answered me, Fledgling! Like you should never had read my letter. In fact, we should never have met. It would have been so much simpler. You would have never betrayed me, I would have never hated you. We would’ve never fought until we were bleeding. I would never have lost the last bits of my sanity, pressed to your body. My life would have been so blander, without a doubt but so much easier to live. I suppose that you’re thinking the same thing and it reassures me, finally, we’re not so crazy; although our letters do definitely think otherwise.

According a well-known adage, hatred and love are feelings so close that it only takes one step to go from one to the other. I find this a rare aberration, insulting for our intellect. Hatred and love aren’t two feelings. It’s a unique one. When the heart beats faster, breathing become erratic, that the person in front of you makes you forget about the world around you. When your only goal, your only desire is to feel his skin under your hands, to caress it until she disappear under your fingers and you become one with him. When we feel all of this, when we endure the torment, I want you to know, Simon, that we love as much as we hate. We hate him because he exists without you, he breathes without your help, because he smiles without looking at you. And we love him, and yeah, we love him because it’s the only thing we can do even if it disgust us.

So, do not insult me with comparing my feelings to yours, Lewis. Because if yours are beautiful and sincere, mine are dark and haunting. We do not compare light to darkness: they exist one with another, one pressed against another. Shall we exist against one another, Fledgling? You talk about your lips against mine? What matters to me is this symbol of an idyllic love. My lips against yours, Fledgling? I can get it whenever and wherever I want! But I doesn’t do it because what would be the point? We would kiss and maybe, we’d like it, but after that? A sex session in an empty room? Groaning? Moaning? And after? Animals do it way better than us, Fledgling. Let’s gives them this advantage. No, I don’t want any of it because just like our correspondence, it would be unrealistic and inappropriate., almost painful.

You said that I hurt you? Know that I hurt you for more years than I would count it. So do not amuse you to complain because if you dare to say that your love is truer, my pain is sincerest. So, yes, my letter was a stupid joke! You’ve discovered that too easily for me. But I’m still going to put things rights. Yes, I do not like you, Fledgling. Yes, all of your moves twist my stomach and makes me wanna puke! Yes, your eyes can trigger in me the darkest and most horrible torture scene. But, if I hate you, Simon, if my heart swells too much feelings, know that it’s solely your fault. And it will remain so forever. For loving you makes me hate and hating you taught me to love you.

So read this paper and tore it like you’ve done it with the other. Go back in your little perfect world were love is the most beautiful of all feelings. Believe in my stupid joke, afraid my love. Because if you love me, Simon, I own you.

Raphael Santiago.”

Simon paused for a time before folding carefully the letter in his hand. The vampire who had brought him the letter directly in his room had awakened him by throwing it in his face. He understood who it came from before even opening it. He had come out of his house calmly, when the sun just began to fall, to read it quietly in the yard. He ran but it doubted that it was for this reason that his heart beat so wildly. He did not know if he should laugh or cry. Damn, he didn’t even understand this letter. He’s just so lost…lost and upset.

“What a douche,” he murmured.

“And this is how you say you love me? Charming.” Said a voice next to him.

“Raphael!”

“In person. Perhaps you were expecting someone else?”

Simon stared at him for a second. He was only in his pajamas in front of the vampire clan’s leader and the Mexican was in all his glory. He was truly beautiful.

“I’d just come to say that I would not read your next letter, therefore no need to write it. I am generous, I’ll spare you further humiliation.”

“I wasn’t planning to write anything, Rafa.”

“Then, I’ve moved for nothing. My kindness will be the death of me. Adios, Fledgling.”

Without even a word, the vampire started to leave from where he came, leaving Simon more confused than ever.

“By the way, Raphael, know that you do not own me!” Shouted Simon without even thinking about it.

“We’ll see about that.” He said with a laugh. “We’ll see.” He said before storming off, thanks to his vampire ability.

A stupid joke, maybe, but that was certainly not over yet.

Raphael,

I know…I shouldn’t have answered you. It was agreed that way. And you shouldn’t be reading this letter, but you’re going to do it anyway. You had the right to your two letters, then it’s normal that I may have the same number. The shortest jokes are the best as they say but this one was stupid from the beginning. Normal from you. So, I’m allowing myself to answer you a second time because you’ve seemed mad in your last letter. You’re accusing me of seeing love in pink but since I’ve met you, I only sees it in gray. You talk about love and hatred combining and separating them with ease to confuse me. You juggle good, I agree but you’re going astray too.

So, let’s get this straight. You hate me. That I know -..

“Well that, but my love for you is as burning as the day star.” said a mocking voice behind Simon.

Simon stiffened in his chair and put his pen down.

“That wasn’t what I was going to write, Raphael.” answered Simon coldly without facing Raphael. “And it’s inappropriate to read over the shoulders of people.”

“I told you to not answer this letter” said the vampire, almost joyfully, before sitting in front of Simon.

“Go away” said Simon, hissing. He was so tense because of his mentor’s presence. He didn’t took well the intrusion of Raphael and knew that the surprise would put the Mexican in a strong position. Dammit, Simon should have exercised his senses.

“For me, central park is a public place, corazon. So, I’ll stay if I want to.”

Simon didn’t talk about the cute Spanish name, knowing it was just sarcastic but he clenched his fists. Hard.

“Good, so I’m leaving.” He spat, tearing apart his letter.

Raphael’s face closed instantly and he leaned over the table to grab Simon’s shirt to get him to sit down.

“Stop it!” he ordered, furious. “Stop acting like you’re hurt since we both know that it’s not serious.”

“Oh, I see.” Simon quipped after a silence. “Would you rather see me ironing it all like you did? And why not call you the sun of my life? Does that reassure you in the fact that, indeed, this was just a stupid joke? Or does this would make you sick like me?”

“You’re talented.” Raphael admits with a bitter smile. “But I’m more than you for this. Camille teach me all of that, you understand?”

Simon understand this too well. He nodded silently and for the first time since the beginning of this conversation, he preferred to look anyway from his beautiful eyes.

“Idiota.” he heard him mumble almost fondly before getting up and leaving Simon all alone.

Simon closed his eyes for a short moment, when he reopened them, it was to aim the bin. The ball of paper that his letter had become landed in the bin with a slight noise.

A joke… A stupid joke…

“Fuck me. Fucking joke.” exclaimed Raphael silently, some days after his conversation with Simon at the park.

The pandemonium was full, it was again one of Magnus’s party. The drinks were circulating and the conversation were rife, but Raphael didn’t talk much. The drinks seemed ridiculously appealing and his best friend was flirting with the silver boy, giving him a lot of different beverages. But Raphael didn’t drink. In fact, in recent days, Raphael Santiago didn’t do much. He’d only smile.

Raphael Santiago had an extraordinary smile, the ones that could make your heart go faster just by appearing. When he smiles, Raphael’s face was transformed. It’d lose his coldness and would be so bright that it would light up the entire room. His eyebrows would slightly shrug on his pale face and his eyes would shine like a diamond. One would be damned for one of his smile. But recently, there was no need to be damned because Raphael was distributing like some treats, apparently unconscious of the effect it produced around him. Because, there was one thing everybody knew about Raphael’s smiles: it was that he always hide something behind them.

Since he became a vampire, he was raised in vampire aristocracy. And when he was a Fledgling, Camille didn’t stop saying that his smile would be his best mask, that it would forces the people to only notices that and stop asking questions. Raphael had ask her why she tells and he couldn’t get her answer out of his head. He could hear it as if Camille was next to him, but she wasn’t and he was pretty lucky of that, speaking: “Some people like to see the pain, Raphael so remember that: Never show a moment of weakness. And is sadness overwhelms you, smiles to it.” So Raphael smiled, like Camille smiled to everybody.

“Raphael, you’re afraid of getting drunk?” asked Magnus between two of Alec’s kisses.

“No, I do not want to drink, that’s all.” he answered. “And, I think I should go to work on some politics stuffs.”

And, without losing his smile, he leaves the Pandemonium. He feels on the back of his neck a glance but he didn’t turn around to see if his intuition was correct. Because, it wasn’t real. He was sure… Or almost. He thought that a focus with the Fledgling would give him some advantages in this stupid game but his strategy was dramatically turning against him. Because Simon, unhappy of becoming a character, showed him a lot of things in the field of pretense. And, from the writing, the joke became oral. What was the next step?

And Raphael wanted to scream because he felt himself flex. Simon wanted to have the upper hand, to revenge himself. Have a revenge because of this thing who started as an innocent joke, but Raphael couldn’t accept to be fooled by his own Fledgling. He would never let him win this battle even if he should become totally crazy after that.

“Are you running away from me, love?” said a sweetish voice behind him.

He was expecting that, the game never stops for too long. He turn back, making a few step, still smiling. He wanted to keep that smile on his face as long as he could.

“No, sweetheart. It was an invitation. I see that you’ve understand it.”

And he was making more steps, determined to destroy that glow in Simon’s eyes. His footsteps echoed in the hall, as the death knell of his thoughts. They brought him to his Fledgling, close to him. He felt his useless breath accelerate despite himself and the glow flickered. It made Raphael smile a little wider.

Soon, all of this would be over.

Simon didn’t say a thing, fortunately. Raphael wasn’t in the mood to become a poet tonight. Writing somewhere in his room was a thing, talking to the one he was writing for was an other thing. He raised his hand and landed it on Simon’s face to caress his cheek. He looked in his beautiful eyes, then at his pink lips. For a moment, he wonders if they’re soft but he rejects this question because it wasn’t important. The final round was there and the first one who would fall back would admit his defeat. Simon didn’t take a step back, so Raphael decided to lean closer.

His other hand landed on the back of his neck and slowly, really slowly, Raphael kissed Simon. His mind registered the sensations within his reach: the sweetness, the light noises their mouths were making. Then, a hand on his neck, dragging him closer. Too close. Then, the intrusive sensation, the one of Simon’s tongue. His taste… His taste was an indescribable taste but extremely sweet for Raphael. And Raphael forgets to think. He started to feel, to feel without analyzing. He forgot everything that wasn’t this kiss. He cannot see, he cannot hear anything. It was as if every nerves in his body had suddenly migrated and feasted in the wet kiss of Simon Lewis. Raphael felt alive and so good…

But it was soon empty, nothing. Simon’s mouth left his and Raphael was panting, trying to gather his thoughts. His eyes saw that his Fledgling was as panting as him but, in addition, he was flustered. His swollen lips. Suddenly, Raphael wanted to run. Run away from this sight, run away from these sensations.

This game was getting too dangerous.

His feet expressed his desire and he took a step back at the same time as Simon. The two boys looked at each other for a few seconds and then, they were turning on their heel at the same time. Raphael almost run to the DuMort and locked himself in his room, letting out a sigh.

It was the end.

They had declined both at the same time, so there was no winner or loser. Unless they had both loosed something. A smile was born on the lips of Raphael, a strange smile, a little sad.

All this had gone far anyway for a stupid joke.

Simon,

I’m sorry for what happened at the party. That kiss… it shouldn’t have happened. All of that should have stayed a simple joke like it was supposed to be. You shouldn’t declare your love to me and I shouldn’t have sent this letter to you. Because if I didn’t do it, nothing would happen. We would never have kissed and I’d never had discovered that I love you too, that all of the things that I’ve written were true. I’d never realized that this dark love that I described to you, I felt it. And the worst in that is that by kissing you, I’ve realized that maybe you’re inspiring me pure feelings. I thought that this was impossible.

I didn’t think that one day, I’d feel this butterfly that all the poet writes about. I didn’t think that one of your kisses would make me forget about everything except the two of us. I didn’t think that I would feel fireworks in my stomach. I’ve never felt this way before. I didn’t think that I would be the one to loose. I was thinking that all this story was just another way of making fun of you. So, why am I the one feeling bad? I should be laughing at you because you made a fool of yourself. I should be making fun of you because you thought for one second that I could love you. And now, I’m not laughing at all. To be honest, if you’re used to not seeing me smiling or laughing, Lily said that it was even worst since our kiss.

So I realized, unwillingly, that my love for you is real. It is indeed as black as I described it and unfortunately, it is much more existing than I could have imagined. And it’s your fucking fault if it never stopped to grow! It’s your and only your fault if that little flame eventually burned my wings. Funny enough of me to make a metaphor with an angel given the hatred I have for all of these Nephilim, don’t you think? Well, maybe it’s the fact that I was named after one that inspires me so much. Who knows? Anyway, I am not writing to you to tell you how much I love you. You’ve already got two letters for that. Though… These letters, thou hast torn or even burned it long ago, don’t you?

Fledgling, I’ve written to propose something. You see, since that fateful day, I constantly think about the fact that you really love me too. And, strangely, I keep wondering if one day our story could actually happen. The only problem is that I know you’re engaged to that Lightwood girl and you’ll never have the balls to break up. You do not have the balls to tell her that you want to breakup, let alone tell her that you want to leave her for the one and only Raphael Santiago without being certain that our story is possible.

So, this is my proposal. You alone decide the fate of our relationship. You can choose between staying with Isabelle Lightwood for the rest of your lives or you can spend the rest of your eternal life with me. I hope that you’d choose me. I think that I’m better that this shadowhunter that you cherish so much, just saying. So, Simon, if you want to be with me, come to Magnus’s party and if not, do not come. The party is Thursday night, leaving you four days to decide if you’re coming or not. Be there by midnight.

I hope to see you in four days, Simon. By cons, if you do not come, know that I do not want to see your face or hear about you. So, you won’t try to contact me or make our mutual friends, Alec and Magnus, speak to me of you. They will always give you news of me if you want to but know that never in my life, I will ask of you.

With love,

Raphael Santiago.

Simon had had to read the letter several times, wondering if he actually read what he thought reading. The letter from his mentor had been a surprise but its content was an even greater surprise. He would have thought that its contents were saying that he never wanted to see him because that kiss was only the icing on the cake of the tasteless farce. It also led him to wonder whether this letter was also a part of the joke or if he was sincere.

Strangely, the way he had to speak in his letter seemed more sincere. It was as if he had more difficulty speaking. It was as if he was searching for his words and everything wasn’t perfectly orchestrated. It does not seem to have rewritten his letter dozens of times for it to appear sincere. That’s what made Simon think that all of this was real. It seemed that, for once, Raphael wasn’t playing with his feelings.

But if all of this was real, Simon was really fucked. Raphael asked him to choose between him and Isabelle. A few months earlier, the choice wouldn’t have been so difficult. He would have chosen Raphael without even thinking twice. But now, everything was different. On on hand, he really loved Isabelle. Maybe he did not love here the same way he loved Raphael but still. It was his fiancee and he could not let her down like that. But on the other hand, he was madly in love with Raphael and that since he laid an eye on him. So now that the opportunity presented itself, he could not let it slip through his fingers. So, he was facing the most difficult choice of his life. He almost felt what Clary have felt when he died.

Here we are on Thursday evening. The sun had set for barely half an hour and Raphael was already at the party, surrounded by Magnus and Alec. So you could tell that he was moderately in good company. Finally, to be completely honest, it was in a very good company but you can be sure that he would never say that out loud. Perhaps pride or just for fun to annoy Magnus, saying he and his boyfriend are annoying as fuck when it was the two of few people outside his clan that Raphael could support. But, in any case, today, he needed them. He was eager tot see Simon come to the party but, at the same time, he was scared. What if he does not come? Or worse, if it came with Lightwood girl to mock him, telling him that he who was trapped and he and Izzy have a good laugh? It would surely not stand… He might well commit a murder or two.

“I’m still thinking that your ultimatum was a bad idea,” said Alec, on the edge of growl. “Frankly, what makes you think that you have a chance against Izzy? They’re engaged. They’re getting married in six months, Raphael. And you, you do not even love him. Not like Izzy does.”

“Alec, darling, don’t be mean to Raphael. He does not understand what love is,” said Magnus in a honeyed tone.

Raphael listened to them, tightening his hold on his glass, his jaw clenched. He did not understand how they dared speak to him like that, act as if they knew everything about him, Simon or their relationship. Basically, Raphael was also convinced that Alec was thinking that her sister had finally found the love of her life and will live happily ever after because she was her sweet little sister. But, seriously, the beautiful Shadowhunter with the vampire nerd? A couple too unlikely to last. Anyway, after all, this was only his humble vampire opinion. Nothing more, nothing less. Yes, well, this too was, perhaps, jealousy speaking. But who could blame him?

“Stop talking.” said Raphael dryly before walking away, his hold still tight around his cup.

He would then settle on a sofa near the entrance to get a good view of the place, so he would see if his fledgling would enter or not. Moreover, he kept looking at his phone, to see how much time was left before he sees it coming and he kissed him full mouth just to shut him up. Some time later, it was 11:48 p.m and Raphael could not help the smile that rested on his lips and, for once, it wasn’t a sad smile. Raphael was really bright and it was something that even Magnus had not seen often. In fact, he was surely the only one who had seen him in this state and that was when he managed to spend a whole night carrying his cross without crying. It was another time he had done something for someone. It was when he looked at his watch again that Raphael noticed that the warlock had approached him, he had even taken a seat next to his.

“You really think he’ll come?” Demanded the warlock curiously.

“Why wouldn’t he come?” asked Raphael dryly, not appreciating the fact that his friend can doubt that. “You think that he prefers that Lightwood girl over me, right?”

Magnus sighed. “Raphael,” he said, getting annoyed. “It seems like you do not understand. Simon is engaged to her, he promised to spend his eternal life with her,” he said and that have the effect of making Raphael frowns. He did not see where the warlock was going. “While you, Raphael… you.. you’ve never shared anything in the long run with him.”

“I have to remind you that it was my fledgling and was a part of my clan,” replied Raphael, exasperated. “And that lasted a while.”

“Raphael,” said Magnus firmly. “That lasted a few months. And you kept on your side just because you’re a man of honor and you promised that to Clary. And it had not ended well!” exclaimed Magnus, attracting the attention of some downworlders. The Nephilims were too busy thinking about themselves. “You’ve rejected him for bullshit, Raphael! And then, you didn’t talk to him for ten years!”

When Magnus had finished speaking, Alec had sneaked through the crowd to put an arm around the warlock hips, quite worried. The shadowhunter knew Magnus said all of this reluctantly. He knew he wanted and would never hurt his best friend, he would only be sure that he does not have his hopes up for nothing. He might be hurt by the warlock’s words and would spit his venom on his friend’s face but at least, his heart would not be broken shattered into a thousand pieces because Simon will never come. Everyone seemed to doubt that except for the Mexican. He seemed convinced that Simon loved him. When Alec thought about it, it almost made him think about him when he was younger, when he had given up everything for Magnus. Except that Simon was not like him. Simon needed something stable.

“You know nothing about my relationship with Simon, Magnus!” he screamed and if it would have been possible, his face would be red with anger. “And the only reason why I rejected him as you say if all of you! You and your squad of Nephilim. You pushed him to betray me so do not dare to tell me that it’s my damn fault!” he spat before looking at his phone. 00:02. He had to go quickly before something humiliating happens. He did not want to agree with Magnus. Ever. “You know what, I think I’ll leave your party, warlock,” he said, before pointing at Magnus. “Fuck you.” he pointed thereafter Alec. “Fuck you. And especially, fuck you Simon.” had he said before leaving the pandemonium. He then goes to the hotel DuMort without even paying attention to Magnus’s cries.

Raphael,

For starters, I’m sorry that I didn’t come. But… To not lie, I came, I swear. I arrived half past midnight but you were already gone. Magnus told me. It has been five months since I cursed myself for being too late, not being able to see what we could become. But I promise you, Rafa, I have a good excuse! At least, it is for me. However, I’m not sure you will think the same.

I wanted to come, but I spent my evening with Isabelle, so it took me an excuse to extricate myself from home overnight without her learning that I’m leaving to see the man it took me so long to forget. The who’s the reason why it took me seven years before I can not put myself in a relationship with her. You’ll tell me that I would still have to tell her the truth, that I was coming to see your to have one last chance. It would surely have understood because she told me several times that you were my soulmate.. As yours. She’s certain that, if I had to leave her one day, it would be for your beautiful eyes.

But I could not tell here. I do not want to hurt her because I’m really attached to her. I think I even feel love for her. As I feel towards you except it’s not as strong as my feelings for you. This required me to wait until she deigns to sleep so I could get out. But she did not want to go and the last time I checked if she was asleep or not, I saw her on our bed, wearing only underwear and her hairs were tied. She was about to go to bed. But she was reading your letter that she had found under my pillow and she was crying. I think I’ve never felt so bad.

So, she immediately understood why I could not stay calm, why I was fidgeting all night. It was because I wanted to see you and I do not know how to do that. Finally, she told me to come find you if that’s what I wanted. But there was bitterness in her voice. And I finally left my house at midnight, after kissing her and telling her that I loved her. Her lips were so soft but so different than yours. When I finally arrived, you were not there. Alec and Magnus looked disappointed to me unless it was my delay that was disappointing them? It was as if, once again, I took an even more stupid decision than usually. They were disappointed because I have never been able to choose between her and you. I’ve never had the opportunity. You choose for me before I could even realize what our relationship could become. Before I could realize that we had a future. This was long before I could tell Isabelle that I wanted to be with you.

So, I got home, annoyed. Isabelle wasn’t asleep, she was waiting for my return, for my deliberation. She wanted to know if, after three years of dating, I had chosen you instead of her. And I confess that I didn’t have the balls to tell her the truth. I did not dare say that I did not choose between her and you. So I lied to her, saying that the only one that I wanted was her.

This is what’s making me sending you this letter, despite the fact that you no longer want me to contact you, apparently you do not give new nor Alec or Magnus. You three argued? Why Raphael? Whenever I ask Alec or Magnus, they eventually tell me that nothing had happened that night and you just want to be alone. But I don’t think he’s telling the truth. Because you always want to be alone and I do not understand why you need it now. Anyway.

I would like to invite you to Magnus’s party Friday. But I do not invite you as my hot date, of course, because it’s in honor of my future marriage with Isabelle. And by future, I mean it’ll happen in a month. I would really be pleased if you would come see me.

Simon.

Raphael could not believe it, first, he sent him a letter even when Raphael had forbidden him to do so. And the worst part about it is that he dared to invite him to a party in honor of his relationship with someone else? After talking about this letter in all of this relation? After telling him he loved the Lightwood girl?

“That boy is kidding me.” He mumbled before, for once, tearing the letter Simon had sent him. He then threw what was left of it in a bin near him, sighing. He wondered what should he do now. Maybe he should tear or even burn the other letters. Maybe he should forget Simon permanently? Maybe it was the best thing to do for both Simon and Raphael. He could be happy with Isabelle without worrying whether their relationship was real or not, whether she had a future or not.

The party had now begun more than two hours and Simon had still no sign of life from Raphael. But Simon did not say he would not come. He wanted to believe that he will come to see him, that he would only take his time to make his own coin because he was a fucking sadist. So, Simon sighed. He was thinking about trying to get Raphael out of his head until Raphael’s arrival, trying to focus again on the conversation that his fiancee had with his best friend about a mission that they had participated not so long ago. But it didn’t really interested him. He turned his head to find someone else he knew when his gaze fell on someone he knew well but did not expect to see. Not far from him, stand the one and only Lily Chen. And she made him a sign to make him follow her. And he did.

Once he was out of Magnus’s loft, he hadn’t even the time to understand what was happening before he felt the vampire catch him by the neck and pressing him against the wall, hissing. The worst part was even though he was a vampire too, he was terrified but no one could blame him. That girl was the most terrifying vampire he knows… Well no, the most terrifying vampire was Raphael.

“Y-Yes..?” asked Simon, stammering as Lily glared, tightening her grip on the cadet’s throat.

“Did I told you you could speak?” asked her bitterly, planting her nails into the skin of the boy, leaving a few drops or blood. “I do not know what you’ve done to Raphael but you better freaking fix this, Lewis. It looks likes you’ve broken him! He didn’t leave his room since last time at the pandemonium and I know he was supposed to meet you there!”

“I did not saw him there..” confessed Simon but he had only one wish, turn into a rat and hide under a furniture. But he calmed down feeling Lily loosen its grip to look down on him even though she was smaller than him.

“I do not care what happened or not, fix it!” she spat before going away into the night.

It was then that Simon chooses to leave the party, sighing softly. He had to go see Raphael and if he was happy with this idea before, now, he could not help being a stress ball. He did not know how it would all end. Who knows, maybe this is when all ended, he would never speak to Raphael ever again. He would be thrown out of the DuMort again with a broken heart and feeling like he was going to cry. And again, it would be the fault of the Nephilim. Well, yes, it always had been his fault. The first time it was he who agreed to betray Raphael, the person he considered his soulmate. And now, it was him who hadn’t chosen fast enough between him and Isabelle.

He was out of his thoughts when he saw the door of the hotel in front of him. He took his courage in both hands and entered, using his vampire speed to enter Raphael’s room. He was in his bed, eyes closed and for a moment, he thought that he was going to throw him out. But he did nothing, he would just keep his eyes closed. For a few seconds, Simon thought that he was sleeping or something but it ended when he saw him arching his back under the cover, a single word escaping his lips.

SMUT

Spoiler:

“So, Simon, you liked the show?”

Raphael’s voice had the same effect of punching him in the balls. He turned his head towards him and now, Raphael watched him with a raised eyebrow, waiting for Simon to say something. Simon could not help admiring his rosy cheeks and his disheveled hair and dammit, they were curly. He was really beautiful like that and still, even the word beautiful could not describe him. Damn, his beauty would fade Venus herself.

“I.. Raphael, sorry!” he exclaimed finally, looking at him with big eyes. “Lily told me that you were in a bad mood... She almost ordered me to come to you and I.. I.. I came but I promise I did no know what you were doing! Otherwise, I would not… I would not have entered I promise!” he said rapidly.

“Why do you stayed when you understood what I was doing, Lewis?” A smile appeared on his lips as he set his gaze on Simon. “You enjoyed watching me, don’t you? You could have jerked yourself off, you know,” he said with a smirk.

And for a while, he didn’t know why he couldn’t say anything. There was a naked Raphael in front of him who just told him that he could have had jerked himself off while watching him fucking himself on his own fingers. He had forgotten that the beautiful man before him was naked and that Simon could watch him as long as he wanted, so that’s what he did. His tanned skin contrasted so well with the white sheets on which he was installed and his position was more than obscene as if he was trying to attract Simon to the bed. He looked at him, spreading his legs even more apart, having still sperm on his stomach. And damn, that smirk. Simon smelt like kissing him until he forgets how to smirk.

“I’d better like to touch you, sweetheart,” he said in a smooth tone and even before Raphael had the time to reply, he found himself on top of Raphael, kissing the boy passionately. He wanted to be the reason that Raphael was taking a hell of a good time. Although Raphael had told him he wanted to be the one to do nasty things to Simon, he looked rather subjected in bed. Perhaps this is why he tries so much to be the dominant one outside it? Anyway, Simon was kissing his neck, catching his wrists to put it above his head.

“What are you doing?” asked Raphael who began to wave his hips, hissing when he felt the jeans against his bare skin.

“What I’ve always wanted to do, Rafa,” he said, biting his lower lips before returning to kiss him full mouth, his tongue exploring it. With one hand, he held his wrists and with the other, he took his belt to quickly wrapping it around his wrists, tying him to the bed. And that made Raphael moan. Hell, je did not think that Raphael would like that so much. But what Simon didn’t know was that he would love everything that Simon would do to his body.

Spoiler:

All of this had not lasted so long, but it was not bad. It was divine but after a fortnights minutes, Simon found himself lying next to Raphael, the latter in his arms. He cuddled him from behind, being the big spoon. Simon kissed his shoulder tenderly before sighing.

“Why you’re sighing, corazon?” asked Raphael, defeating himself from the embrace of Simon before turning toward him, looking into his eyes.

“I must tell Isabelle that it’s over.” he sounded annoyed. And for a while, Raphael wondered if Simon did not regret what had happened.

“If that’s what you want..” replied the Mexican, trying to be nonchalant when, in fact, he was in full panic. But Simon gave a sigh, he, himself, did not really know what he wanted.

“This is the thing to do..”

“You really love her, don’t you?” demanded Raphael bitterly but he couldn’t do something, he was boiling with jealousy.

“Yes, but not like I love you, Rafa,” he said, patting the lower back of the short Hispanic. “Between Isabelle and me, it’s different. It’s simpler, lighter.” Then, there was a silence. “I am happy with her.”

“And I couldn’t?” sneered Raphael.

“No, you could not,” he said seriously before having a break. “What we share is intense. It consumes us. This is true love. No matter what happens, how we argue, we will always find each other.” he said before pressing a kiss on Raphael's forehead before smiling slightly. “What's mere happiness in the face of all that, right? Now get up, I must return to Magnus’s party to get my things before going to talk to Isabelle. So I should go there, I think she left the party.”

Simon got up after that, Raphael’s eyes still on him as one thing remained in his head. I could never make Simon happy.

The journey to Magnus’s loft was silent because both of them were lost in their thoughts. Simon wondered what he was going to say to Isabelle and Raphael. He kept replaying his conversation in his head. He almost began to wonder if he should let him breakup with Isabelle or not, let him leave the only person who could make him happy again for him, his mentor, his great love as he said but the one who could never make him happy. The only idea to have a future with an unfortunate Simon had the effect of tightening his heart. Strangely, now, the idea of seeing him happy with someone else seemed much better than a few minutes ago. All this was because the feelings Simon had counted more than his. Because his happiness was something indispensable in Raphael’s eyes. Just because he was in love.

Once at Magnus’s, Simon and Raphael parted. Simon went to get his things and confide in Clary, his best friend. Raphael, meanwhile, waited patiently, his arms crossed on his chest when he saw her. She was more beautiful than ever. She had tied her magnificent hair into a bun and her purple dress was fitting her perfectly. She beamed. Raphael felt almost guilty that Simon would probably break her heart because of him. No, he was going to break her heart, that was bound to happen. Raphael did not doubt that for a second. He gave a sigh before approaching her. She was sitting on a bench, alone. Alec and Magnus must have left her to make out somewhere and most of the other guests had already left. Raphael thus ended sitting next to her and their eyes met. Isabelle sketched a sad smile and Raphael suspected that the woman knows what happened.

“You’re still there?” he asked, and after a few seconds, he wondered why he had asked that question. We saw very clearly that she was still there, waiting for Simon.

“Why should I have left?” she asked, smiling at Raphael. He wondered how she could do to be this kind to him when he was the reason that caused all her relationship problems. Perhaps, like him, she had nothing against him. Perhaps she thought that, deeper, if we forgot Simon, he was nice.

“The party is almost over.”

“I know, but Simon’s not back yet.” she said weakly.

This sentence had even more pained his heart but he had to do his best not to let it show on his face so, as usual, he only smiled. Smile to no show that he felt guilty that he had hurt her. Dios he had slept with the girl’s boyfriend only 45 minutes ago.

“How can you be so sure that he’ll come back?” he asked, chuckling. It was necessary that his behavior is as usual. He had to be a little shit so maybe Isabelle would not see that there was something off.

“Because I love him,” she said with a soft smile. In any event, it would have seemed strange to Raphael, he did not understand what this answer had to do with his question. “And more importantly, I know that he loves me too. He’s just lost. He’s afraid to make a choice between..” She did not continue but Raphael knew she meant them. This was really embarrassing. “But I know that he’ll make the right choice. And I’ll be there when he will announce.”

Raphael wanted to ask her what she meant by the right choice but he knew very well. She was the right choice. It was her that he had to choose. He was about to answer when Simon was back, one of his jacket one hand. He had forgotten it the last time he was at the pandemonium. Apparently, Magnus had brought it here.

“Raphael, I didn’t know you had forgotten one-...” He was directly cut when he noticed that Raphael was sitting with Isabelle. The girl he was dating. The girl he cheated on was with the boy with whom he had slept a few minutes ago. That was really… Awkward..

“I knew you would come !” Isabelle exclaimed, rising to kiss her boyfriend but he gently pushed her away as Raphael was rising, placing himself alongside Simon.

“I sorry it took me so long..” apologized Simon before watching the girl. “We need to talk..”

Isabelle initially frowned before looking at Simon, then at Raphael. And something in her eyes changed as if she had understood everything. “I see..” She said simply.

“Izzy..” he begged and Raphael felt bad for him, really bad.

“Simon.” he said softly, placing a hand on his fledgling forearm but Simon pushed it away gently, giving him an apologetic look.

“No, I have to do this myself,” he said sternly. “What I wanted to say is that-..” he began but Raphael interrupted him before he could continue.

“What he is trying to say is that you have my blessing.” said the vampire, a hypocritical smile on his face while Isabelle looked at him with a smile that made her look as radiant as before. Simon, him, looked at him more confused than ever. He did not understand what Raphael was doing. “I could not be happier than seeing you two get married.”

After saying that, Raphael felt something inside him breaking. But he did not care. At least, Simon will be happy.

“What he is trying to say is that you have my blessing. I could not be happier than seeing you two get married.”

Shortly after saying theses words, Raphael had left the room. It was the second time he left one of Magnus’s party with his heart broken. He should kick his face. But this time, he was happy that his heart was broken. It was for the best. This time, he knew it would make Simon happy even if it was making him unhappy. He passed a hand through his hair and when he was on the street, he heard someone scream his name.

“Raphael!” Simon’s voice echoed in his ears, making him stop in his tracks before turning to him. He looked at the cadet for a few seconds without saying anything. Simon looked sad, as if what Raphael had just done wasn’t the best for them. “Why did you do that?”

“It’s because of what you said earlier.” he said simply and it was the truth. That was what pushed him to give up on his relationship with Simon.

“About happiness ?” he asked and for a few second, he did not believe what he just heard. “Raphael, you know it’s not it’s not the most important thing. People do not write sonnets or novel on being compatible.” he laid his hand on Raphael’s shoulders. “The great loves, are the crazy ones.”

“There’s a difference between a great love and the right love, Si.” said Raphael, sighing softly while Simon smiled at the nickname. “I left Magnus’s party five months ago after waiting two minutes. Isabelle waited all night.” He said as he emphasized the times. “This is your chance to experience happiness.” he said gently, stroking Simon’s hair. “You think you should not have it because you’ve never been completely happy.” Raphael descended his hands do his cheeks, stroking them sweetly, a slightly sad smile on his face. “But you deserve this fairy tale, Simon.”

“We can write our own fairy tale!” exclaimed Simon, imploring.

“Only when you need it, you, you do not need it.” he huffed before crossing his arms over his chest. “How d’you feel about tonight?”

“Bad.” Simon sighed. “In fact, I feel terrible. I’ve never felt that bad.”

[color=#2C75FF]“Guilt.”[:color] explained Raphael, his arms still crossed over his chest. “I feel it too. It seems that we mature.” he said with a slight laugh before laying his eyes on Simon, his were fogged.

“I do not wanna let you go.. Not yet.”

Raphael looked at him and his heart sank again. He almost wondered if it would explode one time after having sunk so much. Dios, he had never suffered so much in one evening. Well maybe except the moment when he first met Magnus. “Do not let anyone ever tell you you’re not strong,” he whispered, stroking his hair. “You’re the strongest guy I know.”

“I need all my strength to let you go.” Simon said softly, his voice muffled against his jacket.

“I know..” he said softly. “but you have to let go and you need to let me go.”

Then, Raphael looked into his eyes as tears streamed down the younger’s cheeks. If Raphael weren’t… Raphael, he would surely cry too. But even in that situation, he had to much pride. Damn Latin pride. He decided to make one more stupid thing. He went on his tiptoe to kiss the younger vampire and Simon responded to the kiss, grabbing his jacket between his fingers, as to be closer to him, as to tell him to stay with him forever, but they both know that it’s impossible. Once this desperate kiss was broken, he pressed his forehead against Simon’s and the latter broke the silence.

“I will always love you.”

“I will always love you too, corazon.”

Raphael sketched a smile before releasing him, then, he looked at Simon who was wiping his tears before turning back to join Isabelle. He did not know since when she was there and he did not care. And even if she saw the kiss, she didn’t have to panic because it was only a farewell kiss. He looked at Simon who smiled weakly at Isabelle who put her hand on the young’s man lower back to comfort him.

“Thank you for waiting. I had to say goodbye.”

After saying theses words, Simon left with Isabelle, hand in hand. And if Raphael, instead of returning to the DuMort, had returned in Magnus’s apartment to cry in his arms while Alec was stroking his back, nobody has to know.

Raphael Santiago and Simon Lewis, happily never after. Juliet had said to Romeo that parting is such a sweet sorrow, but wouldn’t it be nice if just once, it didn’t have to be?